Care guide · 24 October 2026 · 5 minute read

How to talk to your parent about care

For families in Kuching who want to raise care with a parent who may say no: who should talk, what to say, and a first step to try before any move.

By Martin Yap, Founder and Chief Executive Officer, Care Concierge

Care Collective publishes this guide and names its own first steps in it. It is general guidance, not medical or legal advice.

A drawing of an older mother in a headscarf talking on a rattan sofa while her son holds her hand and listens, a folder on the table between two glasses of tea
Illustrative Start by asking what your parent wants.

When should you raise care with your parent?

Raise care with your parent early, because finding the right place can take time, and expect to talk more than once.

Families often need several conversations before a decision is made, says Professor Lee-Fay Low, who researches ageing at the University of Sydney. Each talk can cover one thing.

  • What is getting harder at home.
  • What your parent is afraid of losing.
  • What might make the days easier.
At home, an older man talks with his hands while his daughter sits beside him on the sofa and listens
Illustrative Ask what worries your parent, and listen before you answer.

Who should be part of the conversation?

Agree as a family first, then let the person your parent trusts most lead the talk.

Prof Low suggests a relative with a health background, an aunt, or your parent's family doctor. Your parent should feel supported, she writes, not attacked.

  • Agree among yourselves what you are asking for, such as a visit together.
  • Decide who will lead and who will listen.
  • Keep your parent in the decision. It is their life.
A brother and sister talk over coffee at a kopitiam table, one of them pointing at a notebook between them
Illustrative Agree as a family first, so your parent hears one plan.

What do you say when your parent says no?

When your parent says no, ask what worries them, then answer that worry with one small step. Parents often worry about losing independence, losing control and having strangers in their personal space, Prof Low says.

In Malaysia there is another worry: what people will say. In 2017, Free Malaysia Today wrote that perhaps the most common view of children who send a parent to a home is that they are disrespectful. Pick what your parent says to see a line to try and a first step.

Figure 1If your parent says...
Pick what your parent says
  1. "I don't want to leave my home."
    Try saying
    "I'm not asking you to move. I'd like us to go and look, together."
    A small step
    A tour together. Tours run every day, 10am to 4pm, weekends included.
  2. "I can still manage on my own."
    Try saying
    "You can. I want the chores and the long days to be easier."
    A small step
    A look at the Retirement Suites: your own suite, with housekeeping, laundry and emergency response support.
  3. "I don't want strangers looking after me."
    Try saying
    "Let's meet the team first, then decide."
    A small step
    A free 3-day trial at the Clubhouse, going home each evening. Offered until 31 December 2026.
  4. "What will people say?"
    Try saying
    "You're not being sent away. We'll still be part of every week."
    A small step
    We encourage families to take part in their parent's care, and you can visit every day.
  5. "It costs too much."
    Try saying
    "Let's get the real numbers before we decide."
    A small step
    Ask for the rates on a tour. Our offer: RM2,000 off the first month of a new Assisted Living stay of a month or longer, dementia care included, until 31 December 2026.
  6. "I'm not ready yet."
    Try saying
    "That's fine. Could we try a short stay, and talk again after?"
    A small step
    A short stay. If it suits, it can become a long stay in the same suite.

Source: Care Collective care team, 23 October 2026, and the Book a Tour page

To plan that first step with a Care Advisor, book a tour together.

Should your parent come on the tour?

Yes, if they are willing: a tour together lets your parent see the place and ask their own questions. Prof Low suggests visiting your top two or three choices with your parent.

Figure 2Small steps before any move
  1. 1Talk at home

    More than once, with the family agreed first.

  2. 2Visit together

    Tours run every day, 10am to 4pm.

  3. 3Try a few days

    A free 3-day Clubhouse trial, until 31 December 2026.

  4. 4Stay a while

    A short stay, for recovery or a family break.

  5. 5Stay on

    A short stay can become a long stay, in the same suite.

Source: Care Collective care team, 23 October 2026, and the Book a Tour page

The Clubhouse lounge at Care Collective, with round tables, armchairs and a screen
On a tour you can sit in the Clubhouse lounge and see the day's activity.
  • Tours run every day from 10am to 4pm, weekends included. There is no script and no pressure.
  • Take our tour checklist to every place you visit, so the answers compare.
  • Your visit to Care Collective says what happens on the day and what to bring.

What if your parent has dementia?

If your parent has dementia, talk early, while they can still take part in the plan.

The early stage is the time to put legal, money and end-of-life plans in place, while your parent can still take part in decisions, the Alzheimer's Association advises. If you are unsure whether your parent can make the decision, their doctor can assess it, Prof Low says.

  • The Clubhouse takes members with early and moderate memory loss. They go home in the evening.
  • Your parent can try it first: a free 3-day trial, until 31 December 2026.
  • Our dementia care guide covers what each stage needs.

Common questions

What do you do when an elderly parent refuses help?

Ask what worries them, and offer one small step, such as a visit together. Expect several conversations: families often need them before a decision is made.

Is it disrespectful to move a parent into care?

No. Choosing care together, and staying part of their week, is looking after them. Care Collective encourages families to take part in their parent's care, and you can visit every day.

Who should talk to my parent about care?

The person your parent trusts most, once the family agrees what to ask. That might be a relative with a health background, an aunt, or their family doctor.

What if my parent has dementia and refuses help?

Talk early, while your parent can still take part, and ask their doctor to help. A doctor can assess whether your parent is able to make the decision.

Can my parent try Care Collective before deciding?

Yes. Until 31 December 2026, the Clubhouse offers a free 3-day trial. A short stay is another way to try it, and it can become a long stay in the same suite.

Plan the first step together

Bring your parent on a tour. You can see a suite, sit in the Clubhouse and talk through what worries them with a Care Advisor.

Our offer: RM2,000 off the first month of a new Assisted Living stay of a month or longer, dementia care included, until 31 December 2026.

If you would rather ask first, message us on WhatsApp. You can also read about Retirement Suites, Assisted Living and short stays.

Book a tour

Sources

The sources behind this page, with the date we checked them

Checked on 24 October 2026.